Vorpal Blade? Check.

Song one on my anniversary CD was Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick. In it she sings "these words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to." When I restarted this blog back in June, I committed to brutal honesty in my feelings. I committed to laying bare the things that are on my mind so that I can poke at them, so that my readers can help me figure things out, and so that I can work on getting my head right. I have no control over how my readers think of my words, or what they might mean to my readers, just as you, dear reader, have no control over what I write. You may ponder whether the words all come in a rush, or if I labor over each syllable, choosing each word specifically for its weight, or its meaning. But one thing is sure - what I write and what you read may well be the same words, but they may carry a completely different meaning for each of us.

They say that you can't put toothpaste back in a tube, or un-ring a bell. Which is why I'm unapologetic about speaking without any kind of filter on the things going on in my life. I try to make sure that when I write it's about me, not anyone else, though I'm a social creature and my life is touched by many others -- and so those interactions will always inform my opinions and experience, and the things I want to talk about. Some people might think I over-share. And I probably do, but I like to believe that when I over-share it's about me.

Seriously, it takes quite an ego to write about yourself almost every day.

In therapy this week, I talked about a lot of things. Mostly it was getting my therapist caught up on what's been happening with/to me for the last six months, since I last spoke with her. A good chunk of that activity is all over this blog. She asked me, ten minutes from the end of the session, "So what do you want? Why are you here?"

My answer was "If I get what I want, people are going to get hurt. If I don't, it will hurt me. A lot of that hinges on what Jen wants, and I just want her not to hurt. I want her to be happy, and I want her to not hurt, no matter what decisions she makes over the next however-many weeks and months."

My therapist is smart, and if you ask me I'll give you her contact details. :) She looked up from her notebook and said "You want Jen to be happy...that's noble. But is it more important than what you want for yourself? Don't you want to be happy?"

I was confused. I was not ready for that question. "What do you want for yourself?" She asked.

I took a deep breath, looked at the clock - three minutes - I can do this...

A lot of people have told me that I'm a good guy, that I do nice things for people, that I think of others, that I'm compassionate, considerate, loving, and generous with the things I can be generous with. In a word, I'm an amazing human being. Or so I'm told.

But what do I want?

I want to be able to see the guy that other people see. I want to believe in him the way other people do.

I don't know how to do that. Yet. But I will, and the more I share here, the more of that guy I'll reveal to myself. So if I over-share, it's because I'm looking for something that other people tell me exists, that I haven't seen, but I want to believe in.