Tonight I experienced a few moments of self-discovery. Not the psycho-therapy breakthrough kind of self-discovery. Not figuring out who I am. No, this is far more painful. It's the kind of self-discovery where you figure out who you were. What your life was like.
Almost seven years ago, in early December 2003, the Sci-Fi network aired a two episode mini-series, an updating of a 1970s science fiction classic, which had ridden the coat tails of Star Wars to the small screen. Battlestar Galactica was well received and, ten months later, the mini-series became an hour-long show on Sci-Fi.
I was working at Starbucks (yeah, I know) at the time, and Jen caught up on the mini-series just as the regular show was beginning. It took a month for her to convince me that it was worth my time (which I recall being a song and dance I put her through several times., and I have no idea why I was such a jerk about new things.) But when she did, it became one of *our* shows. One of the things that we changed schedules for. I recall us sitting on the floor of our bedroom at Centennial Trace with warm crusty bread, about five kinds of gourmet cheeses and salami, some grapes and a bottle of wine...getting ready to watch the premiere of the third season. It was a big deal to us. It was something that we talked endlessly about, what did this mean, or what would happen next, or how will that change this or that relationship.
I left before the last season of BSG aired. I don't think Jen even watched the end of it. I did. I had to. It was just something I had to do...see out the end of the thing that was ours.
But how does that relate to self-discovery?
Most of my memories of the last decade are "me and Jen" memories. Going through some hard-drive maintenance on some old hard-drives this evening, I found some old photos of Jen, me, family gatherings, vacations...nothing spectacular...but memories. Little things. In order to place what was happening in our lives, I read some of our old blog posts, remembered some of the wonderful times we had together. And I realized that those memories, like BSG, are in the past. For me and Jen, it's unlikely that there'll be any new memories like the bread and cheese. I won't have any new memories of me and Jen swimming across the cove at Lake Burton, or making fun of award shows together.
If I'd found the photos three months ago, it would probably have devastated me, tonight it was a sharp ache and an hour or two of sadness.
There are a few TV shows that we'd watch start-to-finish in chronological order from time to time -- Buffy, Angel, Coupling, Father Ted, Millenium, Dead Like Me...I've decided to re-watch BSG this winter. Not because I'm pining for some past that's gone, but because remembering the old days doesn't have to bring sadness. Maybe before the fleet gets to Earth I'll find my own way home -- wherever that is -- too.
This is my favorite poem, it's by Christina Rossetti, and it's called "Remember."
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Sure, it's about the wanting your partner to be happy after your death, not the sadness I have felt for the last six months. But tonight it feels okay to remember and be sad.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Celestial Navigation
So the Daily Source job has been put on hold. Work is getting really busy, so I'm pretty sure I won't have time to give 15 hours a week to my volunteer activities.
But when one door closes, another opens, they say. I went to visit Jen's grandmother last Friday. Sue and her husband, Chuck, live on the shore of beautiful Lake Burton in north Georgia. While I was there, Sue had been asked to look over a newsletter produced by Rabun Youth, a local organization supporting after-school care. Since Sue had just had cataract surgery I suggested I might take a look. I also volunteered to look it over on an on-going basis. There may be something more formal coming out of that, so we'll see.
I haven't been much in the mood for writing this last week or so, but hopefully that's something I'll get back to with a little more regularity soon enough.
The Leonid meteor shower takes place tonight and tomorrow night so if you can get outside and look at the sky in the wee small hours, if you get good darkness, uninterrupted by city lights, you should see 40-or-so shooting stars every hour. Jen and I used to try to get out and watch -- this was mostly when we made a point of doing things like that, and before the axis of our world shifted. I remember very distinctly the Leonids of 2003 -- we went out to Lithonia (I think that was where it was, but I'd never been to that part of the city before) and watched them for an hour or two before daybreak.
If you get a chance, make the effort. It's a wonderful thing to do.
Not sure how things are progressing with my list of things I want to do this year, so I'll take a peek at that next week and see how much I still need to do to have an acceptable November. :)
In the meantime...
...thank you, Steven Page, for describing my 2010 so precisely.
As captain of this band of merry sailors I'm a black mark I'm a failure
So before you watch me drown
I'm relinquishing command for something I don't understand,
this man's about to turn his whole life upside down
I set a course for a new shore
It looked the same as the one before
And I forgot what I'd been sailing for
And why I thought this time would be different
I do most of this by feel and let go of the wheel the constellations
Do the navigation on their own.
Whilst yearning for adventure, dreading censure in absentia
I would rather be at sea than be alone
I set a course for a new shore
It looked the same as the one before
And I forgot what I'd been sailing for
And why I thought this time would be different
Off the charts we drew
They said there wasn't anything but fairy tales
I told them it was you, I told them you were everything a fairy tale could be
The boat sails by
Oooo-The shore remains and so do I
I swear this time will be different
I settled here on a new shore
My lips were blue and my legs were sore
And I forget if I was pushed or I jumped overboard
And after all this time, what's the difference?
But when one door closes, another opens, they say. I went to visit Jen's grandmother last Friday. Sue and her husband, Chuck, live on the shore of beautiful Lake Burton in north Georgia. While I was there, Sue had been asked to look over a newsletter produced by Rabun Youth, a local organization supporting after-school care. Since Sue had just had cataract surgery I suggested I might take a look. I also volunteered to look it over on an on-going basis. There may be something more formal coming out of that, so we'll see.
I haven't been much in the mood for writing this last week or so, but hopefully that's something I'll get back to with a little more regularity soon enough.
The Leonid meteor shower takes place tonight and tomorrow night so if you can get outside and look at the sky in the wee small hours, if you get good darkness, uninterrupted by city lights, you should see 40-or-so shooting stars every hour. Jen and I used to try to get out and watch -- this was mostly when we made a point of doing things like that, and before the axis of our world shifted. I remember very distinctly the Leonids of 2003 -- we went out to Lithonia (I think that was where it was, but I'd never been to that part of the city before) and watched them for an hour or two before daybreak.
If you get a chance, make the effort. It's a wonderful thing to do.
Not sure how things are progressing with my list of things I want to do this year, so I'll take a peek at that next week and see how much I still need to do to have an acceptable November. :)
In the meantime...
...thank you, Steven Page, for describing my 2010 so precisely.
As captain of this band of merry sailors I'm a black mark I'm a failure
So before you watch me drown
I'm relinquishing command for something I don't understand,
this man's about to turn his whole life upside down
I set a course for a new shore
It looked the same as the one before
And I forgot what I'd been sailing for
And why I thought this time would be different
I do most of this by feel and let go of the wheel the constellations
Do the navigation on their own.
Whilst yearning for adventure, dreading censure in absentia
I would rather be at sea than be alone
I set a course for a new shore
It looked the same as the one before
And I forgot what I'd been sailing for
And why I thought this time would be different
Off the charts we drew
They said there wasn't anything but fairy tales
I told them it was you, I told them you were everything a fairy tale could be
The boat sails by
Oooo-The shore remains and so do I
I swear this time will be different
I settled here on a new shore
My lips were blue and my legs were sore
And I forget if I was pushed or I jumped overboard
And after all this time, what's the difference?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Time to start saying yes, man.
"I thought that if I said "yes" to things and got involved with people, sooner or later they'd find out I'm not enough. I didn't think I had anything to share -- and now I think that what I have to share is pretty huge." -- Jim Carrey, "Yes Man"
If you're waiting for the next salacious installment of my marriage story...stop. I'm not going to publish it. Jen and I got married, my self-esteem went down the crapper, and I had two affairs. That's not the whole story, but it's enough for right now. I am responsible for choosing to leave rather than stay and fight for our relationship. I blew it up, because I didn't know how to stand up for myself when it mattered, and I didn't know how to stand up for my marriage when it was the only thing that mattered.
I'm not that person now. Maybe we'll talk about that in the future.
But first this:
"I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces..."
Do I think that over the last ten years the trajectory of my life was altered by some things that seemed small, even trivial, at the time? Yes I do.
Do I think that I will ever experience the kind of closeness that I shared with Jen in that time? I'm not so sure.
Does that make me sad? More than I can say.
Am I hopeful for my future, whatever that looks like, without any expectations? Yes. I think so.
Do I think Jen and I have a chance in the future? I do. But...it's one of an infinite number of futures. She has a life, a whole social life that I have nothing to do with, a private life that I have even less knowledge of -- and that's okay. Good, even. I still miss a lot of who we were, but what I've been doing isn't healthy. I've been doing the equivalent of carrying a football with me everywhere I go, just in case I run into Joe Namath (ref for my US readers) or Geoff Hurst (for my UK readers.)
I've discovered a few things about myself this week, and...well...it's time to change. It's time for me to start living for me. Trying to be the person I think Jen might be able to be with if she looks my way in the future isn't sane. Being the person I am, even if that means that any possible future with Jen goes away...that's who I have to be. Because the only person I can guarantee I'll be with in the future is me.
Work looks like it's about to get busy on the kind of scale I haven't seen in...well, over a decade -- since the early days of Business Controls at Northern, when a 30 hour weekend was the norm. I'll write more about this when things are confirmed, but for now...just know that exciting times lie ahead.
I wanted to do some volunteer work, and signed up for an online news organization, staffed by volunteers, called The Daily Source. On Friday I got an email offering me the position of Front Page Editor. So I'm going to be doing that 15 hours a week for the next seven months.
I'm making a list of things that I find genuinely scary so that I can start conquering that stuff. Life is to be lived, after all. I'm not about to jump out of a plane, but I think it's about time I got over my embarrassment and fear of singing in public. Maybe even dancing. And my fear of roller coasters, or going to events where I don't really know anyone.
So, thirty-six. You will be the best year yet. And if you're not, I'll only have myself to blame for it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
New year resolutions.
So happy birthday to me, as I bid adieu to the complete and utter awfulness that was my thirty-sixth year. It was a bad time, more or less from start to end, and now it's time for something better.
For my thirty-seventh year, I am making some demands of myself. These will require my time. So as far as I'm concerned, my time is up for grabs. I intend to spend it doing the things I find rewarding, and with the people who support me and hold me accountable.
Basically, what I'm saying is that it's my party, my life, my rules. Those are the rules I'll be playing by, and I'm going to be spending my time with people who want to help me achieve my goals - and you may find yourself on the outside looking in if you don't like my rules, or can't get on board and give me your no-BS-support, even when that support is telling me I'm making a huge mistake but it's my mistake to make.
So my resolutions, because January 1st is kind of arbitrary and is much less meaningful to me than my birthday are...
And sure, there are things I'd like to acquire, like a dog and a new place to live, but those things have dependencies I have no control over. So I can't put them on the list.
So this is my check-list. It will be the basis of a lot of my future updates. So...who's with me?
Addenda:
I will learn to shave with the straight razor Lyndsey gave me for my birthday. :)
I will find out what I need to do to qualify to run in the NYC marathon in 2011, since I have been challenged to that, too.
My list of fears so far:
For my thirty-seventh year, I am making some demands of myself. These will require my time. So as far as I'm concerned, my time is up for grabs. I intend to spend it doing the things I find rewarding, and with the people who support me and hold me accountable.
Basically, what I'm saying is that it's my party, my life, my rules. Those are the rules I'll be playing by, and I'm going to be spending my time with people who want to help me achieve my goals - and you may find yourself on the outside looking in if you don't like my rules, or can't get on board and give me your no-BS-support, even when that support is telling me I'm making a huge mistake but it's my mistake to make.
So my resolutions, because January 1st is kind of arbitrary and is much less meaningful to me than my birthday are...
- I will learn Spanish
- I will start or join a band
- I will reclaim my week and not waste time
- I will be awesome in my job
- I will write more
- I will run a half-marathon
- I will participate in the Warrior Dash
- I will start some kind of self-defense classes
- I will see more live performances
- I will stop making abortive half-assed attempts at "moving on"
- I will love fiercely, honestly, and with openness and vulnerability
- I will do one thing I am afraid of every month (sorry Eleanor, that's all I can promise)
- I will join a volunteer program
- I will read one book each month
- I will medicate if I need to
- I will get some kind of education
- I will be the guy you can rely on
- I will cycle to work one day each week (weather permitting, in 2011)
- I will file for divorce
- I will learn enough CSS to get by
And sure, there are things I'd like to acquire, like a dog and a new place to live, but those things have dependencies I have no control over. So I can't put them on the list.
So this is my check-list. It will be the basis of a lot of my future updates. So...who's with me?
Addenda:
I will learn to shave with the straight razor Lyndsey gave me for my birthday. :)
I will find out what I need to do to qualify to run in the NYC marathon in 2011, since I have been challenged to that, too.
My list of fears so far:
- Rollercoasters
- Singing in public
- Dancing in general
- Going to an event where I don't know anyone, and actually enjoying myself
- Heights (like glass elevators in the outside of buildings, or tall buildings in general)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Bullet with butterfly wings.
A couple of weeks ago I was shopping. I pulled into the parking lot of the store and, while I was crossing the road to the front door, an SUV pulled up with two 20-something women in it. The one on the passenger side jumped out and an empty plastic water bottle spilled out with her.
She turned and looked down at it as she slammed the door, and watched it bounce off her foot and under the car. She walked around the front of the car as I proceeded to walk around the back.
As luck would have it, the water bottle had enough momentum to roll completely under the car as I approached the driver's door, so I picked it up and tapped on the window. The woman rolled her window down and I said "Excuse me, I think your friend dropped this," and handed the bottle to her. She looked confused. I smirked and walked away.
The lesson is that littering is disgusting. The people who casually litter and complain about larger crime problems should look at themselves as the beginning of the issue, not the victim. A lack of civic pride is the flap of the butterfly's wings that, years later, turns a prospering neighborhood into the ghetto, and erodes people's sense of responsibility.
Pick up your litter.
She turned and looked down at it as she slammed the door, and watched it bounce off her foot and under the car. She walked around the front of the car as I proceeded to walk around the back.
As luck would have it, the water bottle had enough momentum to roll completely under the car as I approached the driver's door, so I picked it up and tapped on the window. The woman rolled her window down and I said "Excuse me, I think your friend dropped this," and handed the bottle to her. She looked confused. I smirked and walked away.
The lesson is that littering is disgusting. The people who casually litter and complain about larger crime problems should look at themselves as the beginning of the issue, not the victim. A lack of civic pride is the flap of the butterfly's wings that, years later, turns a prospering neighborhood into the ghetto, and erodes people's sense of responsibility.
Pick up your litter.