I love pancakes. I love waffles, too, but I really love pancakes. The ingredients are basically the same, but waffles are more complicated to make. Why do I mention this? Well, because I used to be a waffle. I had a ton of little compartments just ready to hide things. I want to be a pancake - simple, honest, uncomplicated.
Today I was invited to my nephew, Bradley's, birthday party. He's just turned four.
When I got to Jen's house, which is where the party was being held, Jen, her sister Kate, their parents, Jen's boyfriend, Brett, and Jen's friend, Meg, were already there.
So I helped out with preparations as best I could, and asked for direction so that the things I was doing were the things that the hosts felt were the most important.
But something felt...off. Have you ever walked into a room and felt like everybody was moving the furniture to get around you? Keeping a distance that was no so much "healthy" as it was "the maximum that the room allowed?" That's how I felt. Like I'd walked into a room where the conversation prior to my entrance had been a critique of who I am, or something I did, and now everyone was behaving awkwardly. Or maybe it was me.
In any case, I didn't feel very welcome at the birthday party of a child I'd spent days and weeks babysitting as an infant, and for whose fourth birthday I had made time to help with projects at Jen's house so that he could have a great birthday party. I felt alien. Out of place. So I went to do an errand.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm sure it's not easy for anyone to figure out how to treat the guy who walked out on his life, those very same family members that were gathered at the celebration; nor can it be easy to figure out how to treat the guy who abandoned your best friend, or the guy who insists he is in love with your girlfriend.
In fact, when it comes down to it, why would you invite someone to such an intimate family event when you've really only known this guy, the one worth knowing, for four months?
When I got back from my errand, things were easier. I talked to someone about the situation and got some perspective -- some of it is in the text above.
I understand all of that.
But.
It still hurts. To feel like an outsider in your own family -- and I do still consider all of Jen's family to be my family. Honestly, that separation is probably not a new feeling. Old Duncan felt that way a few times, usually when I was hiding something and felt completely undeserving of the love that these amazing people were showing me. Wow, apparently I have some guilt to work through around this.
But they did love me -- I think that they still do, but I think that it's hard for them to know how to behave around me.
I did bad things. A lot of them. It's been hard, trying to find a way to forgive myself for them, but I'm working on it. And that job is much harder every time I'm reminded that I'm a stranger to them. A different Duncan to the one they knew. And that's good, but I'm impatient because I want them to know the new Duncan.
So I think that I should start there, just being patient, just being the Duncan that is. Finding a way to be a pancake.
11 comments:
Duncan, you know I wouldn't normally comment on these things but this has just made me so sad and mad at the same time that I am furiously typing! I don't know how you can put yourself through this. If you had felt loved by these 'amazing' people in the first place you wouldn't have done the things you did. Of course you behaved really badly but you have lost your marriage and that is punishment enough. The people who make you feel like an outsider do not love you so don't make excuses for their behaviour. From this angle it doesn't look like Jen loves you either - she is just possibly too nice to say it out loud as she knows it will hurt you...but I think this limbo is worse and she should tell you how it is. Not leave you hanging, not let you fix up 'her' house and not invite you into situations that are going to make you feel bad. That is not love - but at the same time if you allow it to happen and behave like the handyman or hired help then that is how you are going to get treated. It really upsets me that you allow yourself to be treated like this and you think you deserve it. You totally don't. Everyone makes mistakes. Start being a bit more kind to yourself. Spend time with people who really do love you as I know you have people like that in your life. Stop wanting to go back so much and you will find it so much easier to go forward. Then one day when you find that you aren't thinking about all this half as much and life is good, you will probably get a call from Jen...
Rant over. Sorry xxxxxxxxxxxx you know it's cos I care. If I was any less than thousands of miles away I'd buy you a double vodka and give you a kick (then a hug). Fi x
I don't see how any of the family cannot still love you. I for one don't see you as a waffle, I see you as something like a pancake in progress. You are as important as ANYONE there. Yes, it is awkward being part of this unsettled situation and nobody knows what to expect. Nobody can fix it. Time will fix it.
Kate invited you, not Jen, right. We don't want to lose you and so we contribute to the awkwardnes. May I get in on that vodka party but have scotch instead?
Of course! As long as it's a double :)x
I think it's good to know that there are people who love you even though you're not perfect. People who wont make you feel uncomfortable, unloved, or unwanted. That being said, I understand the desire to show your new self to the people who loved you before all of this. Just as long as you're not letting them treat you badly for things past. It isn't fair for them to treat you one way when you're alone, and another way when others are present :) I think that was the moral of the weekend! HUgs and... scotch :)
Fi: The work I do on the house is for me -- not for Jen. I know it probably seems weird but these are things that I had promised to do a long time ago, ad all I want to do now is make good on those promises. It's not fixing up Jen's house -- it's fixing the part of me that didn't think about doing what I said I would.
As for the family not loving me, Anonymous commenter #2 -- they do, I know that. But it's hard for everyone because for years, for most of the time they knew me, the person I was isn't the person I am now. It's hard to make friends with someone who's betrayed a person you care deeply for, and it's hard to accept that they're suddenly different with the flick of a switch.
This stuff takes time, and for the people who've seen my side of the marriage up-close or who've taken the time to talk with me about what happened, they're excluded from my disappointment. Mostly I'm sad that people who I thought were my friend, even through Jen, turned out to have no interest in how things looked from my side of the fence. People I'd considered friends for almost a decade have disappeared from my life. None of them have taken as much as a minute to find out why I did the things I did, or to tell me that they value my friendship independently of my relationship with Jen.
Those people will know who they are, and while I am disappointed that I haven't heard from them for months, I understand how hard it is to be friends with both sides of an estranged couple. But that door is never closed, not by me anyhow. All they have to do is say hello.
Today I'm angry with a lot of people, but it doesn't mean that I don't still love them or think about them. I'm just angry right now, as I'm sure they must be, too.
i have to comment on this, dunc. it has been bothering me all day. i maybe am writing more to others, than to you. either way, i feel like it needs to be said.
the statement in the first comment makes me really really angry.
"If you had felt loved by these 'amazing' people in the first place you wouldn't have done the things you did."
that is a crock of shit.
1. how you were treated by the family as a whole was nothing but love. i saw it firsthand. you were welcomed and embraced and supported to the best of our ability. so nothing that we "the amazing people" did would warrant any of your behavior.
2. there is no excuse for infidelity. EVER. you dont like the way you are treated in a relationship- get out. then seek out whatever relationships you like. one wrong does not justify another. and duncan, i know that you are fully aware of this. for someone to imply otherwise really bothers me. its a dangerous road when we use other people's actions to justify our own mistakes. it prevents us from taking ownership and as a result, becoming a better version of ourselves. be careful.(and i can say this b/c i was treated really shitty and i was unfaithful and it was totally wrong then too.)
3. a lot of people were invested in your marriage. and these same people have a right to process their emotions however they see fit. you have a right not to be around them while they are doing that. or you can take it as part of the consequence of leaving. it is unrealistic to expect people not to feel and react. it does not make them bad people. it makes them human.
just like what you did does not make you a bad person. everyone is doing the best they can, you know? and everyone is making mistakes along the way. you want forgiveness. i say, forgive those around you if you feel they were intentionally hurtful and in that, you will learn a great deal about forgiving youself.
4. of course it was awkward as hell. there were many emotionally charged relationships all in one house. not just you/jen/brett but others too, not to mention the elephant called "nick is in jail". but none of that was the point. we celebrated bradley and he had a great time (other than the singing bit) and all "his" people were there. you are and i hope, always will be, a part of his life. as i said before, i am glad you came. i am sorry it was painful- that was not my intention when i invited you. and i hope that we all can continue to get over ourselves and get back to a place where forgiveness, compassion and friendship rule this roost.
p.s. patron is a way better idea than vodka or scotch.
Kate. :) Thanks for the perspective. I'm not being flippantly short with this, but I agree with pretty much everything you said.
You invited me, like you invited everyone, to celebrate your wonderful son's birthday, and I'm grateful to be included in "his people." Thank you.
Patron? whazzat? I want some if it is better.
Anonymous # 2.
Kate, well done. EXcept your article 2. There has been a lot of infidelity in this group of amazing people and it has been forgiven.
who are you, anonymous person! identify yourself. or um, dont. are you my grandmother?
i didnt say infidelity is unforgiveable. i said it is inexcuseable and unjustifiable. there is a difference. :)
Kate, I'm sorry if you were offended at my post, I don't know your family and shouldn't have commented on them. There are reasons for everything is all I meant, not justifications or excuses and I don't think Duncan needs to take the whole weight of this situation on his shoulders. To read of him feeling so out of place when he was making such an effort just upset me.
thanks for clarifying and no worries! i know that with written word, one may not mean things the way they are interpreted.
who knew a blog could be full of so much drama?!?!?!?! :-P
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