Some days are harder than others.

Today was one of the harder days. I knew it would be. 


It didn't help that in the middle of the afternoon, around the time that Jen and I were married, my boss' Pandora feed started into "At Last" by Etta James - the song that Jen came down the aisle to eight years ago.


The best way I could think of to deal with the emotional chatter in my head was to drive to Jen's house - the one that was supposed to be ours - and do some of the things that I'd promised I would do when we were together. Things in the house that I'd not done, gotten sidetracked by small stuff, that kind of thing.


So I mowed the yard, because I said I'd do it while she and Brett are at the beach this week. I installed the last of the thresholds in the hallway that I'd been meaning to get to since July 4th weekend, and I removed some stray caulk and repainted behind the kitchen sink.


And in the middle of all these things, I found a little oasis of peace - somehow, making good on these promises...these small things...makes me think that if I have a chance to have bigger promises to live up to, I'll be able to handle that responsibility.


As for where I am, in my head, about Jen...if there is a way for us in the future, however twisty, however thorny, however hard to find...I will find it. Because I know...I know that the relationship is worth the effort, worth the risk.


I told someone recently, "When you push all your chips into the middle, you're betting everything, and you can't risk more than that. It doesn't matter how many chips you have if it's everything you have."


And for the first time, maybe ever, I'm prepared to do that in a relationship.