I have no idea why, but I really felt compelled to make a CD for this year - maybe it's because I have hope for us for the future, maybe it's the way my brain can help me let go of the past, or maybe it's just a tool to help me think about where I am right now.
Anyway, a mix tape, apparently, is a very delicate thing - expressing your own feelings with someone else's poetry. At least that's what Nick Hornby says, so there's a good chance it's probably right.
Some of these songs got stuck in my head and helped me to break down walls that were holding in feelings and thoughts that hadn't seen the light of day in decades. Some of them remind me of the things I have given up and lost in the last year, and some of them give me a thought to focus on for the next year, a thought that helps me find calm in my head when my emotions refuse to be wrangled.
It may be useful to you if I point out the things that put each song on the CD. The track order is more or less chronological, and more or less broken into three phases, which I kind of characterized as: Ending, Discovery, and Renewal.
Ending
As 2009 drew to a close, more and more I felt like there was only one solution to the feeling I had - that the relationship we had was not a partnership, that there was inequlity, that I had suffered, and that it was time to end that suffering and find a relationship which offered something that would make me feel nourished.
Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick
"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe."
Our Thanksgiving trip to New York should have been magical. And while it had moments, I look back on it with regret, and overwhelming sadness. It was our argument about something so small as which shoes I ought to wear that set my mind, made me sure that you saw us as so unequal, that you trusted my judgement so little, that our time had run out. A few weeks later, back in Atlanta, when you were awarded Employee of the Year for your efforts, I was both immensely proud of you, and heartbroken. The efforts that you had put into being the obvious choice for your award felt like the efforts that you had denied our relationship, and that being exceptional at your job had precluded being present in our marriage.
I And Love And you - Avett Brothers
"One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay, to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return
Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do."
I can't pretend that you were to blame for what happened with us. I was absent in our relationship for long periods of time, and I knew it. My infidelity, emotional and intellectual before it was ever physical, was the culprit. I don't know what it was that made me so uncertain, unable to quiet the yammering in my head that told me I was unworthy of your affection, that led me to seek other relationships - the knowledge that I was betraying you couldn't stop me. And the knowledge that I couldn't stop made me despise who I was, and that was a spiral I couldn't get out of, and for all of this, I am more sorry that anyone can ever know.
Sick of Myself - Death Cab for Cutie (Matthew Sweet Cover)
"Something in your eyes
that is keeping my hope alive.
But I'm sick of myself when I look at you
something is beautiful and true.
World that's ugly and a lie
it's hard to even want to try.
I'm beginning to think
maybe you don't know.
I'm beginning to think
maybe you don't know."
This video is Matthew Sweet performing it for Paste Magazine - the CD is Death Cab for Cutie.
Discovery
After I left I thought that I had found things that would make me happy. I was certainly learning things about myself, and the more I learned, the more I became sure that I had been...wrong...misguided... self-deluded.
Over the course of several days in May, I came to the realization that I had been unkind, hasty, cruel, even. And I wrote a letter to apologize for those things. In my life I've written a lot of words. Those fifteen apoogies are among the most important words I've ever put to paper.
Good Intentions - Toad The Wet Sprocket
"I'm not afraid things won't get better
but it feels like this has gone on forever.
You have to cry with your own blue tears,
have to laugh with your own good cheer.
It's hard to rely on my good intentions
when my head's full of things that I can't mention.
Seems I usually get things right
but I can't understand what I did last night"
Faith isn't something that has ever sat easily with me. I find organized religion confusing and constraining, but I admire and respect anyone who lives and loves in accordance with their faith. And yet... And yet, I do believe in something. Not that I can put a name or face to it, but there is something, I'm sure. And whatever it is out there, lighting the dark corners of the darkest time of my life, I learned to talk to it. To ask questions, for help, strength, understanding, wisdom...and hope.
Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
"Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire,
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight.
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer,
And the cost was so much more than I could bear."
For most of my life I thought I couldn't feel some things. Deep sadness, the kind that sends you wailing to the floor, gasping, retching, mourning, grieving so hard for something that you're sure that not feeling anything would be better. But it's not. I didn't think I could feel that. Not until after we talked at the beginning of June, and I learned that you had moved on. Oh irony. You'd moved on while I'd discovered that what I wanted more than anything was to have what I'd squandered for years. We agreed to meet a few days later, and while I was preparing my thoughts the full weight of my grief hit me. If falling in love is like cupid shooting you with an arrow, then realizing you screwed it up is like having a giant kick you to the floor, put his giant shoe on your stomach and pull the arrow out of your chest with his giant hands. Anyway, I wrote my thoughts down and put them in a letter so that if I chickened out of telling you something, you had all my thoughts. It helped. Knowing you'd read everything later anyway, I managed to tell you everything I was feeling. I don't think anything has changed since then.
Say - John Mayer
"Have no fear for giving in,
Have no fear for giving over,
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken,
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open."
Knowing you were with Brett was killing me. Knowing that you had chosen to give this new relationship a chance rather than risk trying again with me hurt in ways that I think ought to be reserved for sinners who...well...for people like the guy I had been. Regret is cheap, it turns out. Anyone can regret. Anyone can live with regret. Anyone can be crippled by it. The harder thing is to stand up and find a way to cut it loose, to forgive yourself. I was desperately sad that I'd lost you, but happy that you'd found someone who was supportive and who cared for you. If I couldn't be with you, at least you should be loved.
Where I Stood - Missy Higgins
"I dont know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening"
Since we got back in touch, and even as I was leaving, you have been very generous with making sure that my choices didn't make my life intolerable. For a long time - until a few days ago, in fact, I wondered if you felt a sense of duty to help me. Now I know and understand that it is a choice you have made, but these lyrics from A Fine Frenzy seem appropriate.
Think of You - A Fine Frenzy
"Just to put your mind at ease
You don't owe me anything
You paid me well in memories."
In all of these revelations about myself, I found that it was easy to think of the person I had been as a completely separate person from myself. That was another self-deception - in time I reconciled myself with the fact that it was me, and had always been me, not some other person.
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K
"I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."
By the end of June I had become disenchanted with the group of friends and advisors which I'd been listening to. It was, in the end, the best choice for me, and I released myself from expectations about who I should or could be - expectations that weren't mine, and I began to learn more about who I am.
Have You Seen Me Lately? - Counting Crows
"Get away from me, get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me
You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
And these days I feel like I'm fading away."
In our marriage there were so many times that I didn't say things, didn't know how, feared the consequences. So I stayed quiet. If I learned anything from that it's that not saying something is usually, in the long run, more damaging than saying everything. And saying the things to yourself, which you most fear might be true, is the surest way to start examining whether those things have any truth in them.
Just Breathe - Pearl Jam
"Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean."
On the way home from work I would hear Breakeven, and it took a few listens for it to not make me cry. Some of the best parts of me are part of me because you helped to create them. I'm far more patient, far more curious, I live outside mys own head more. I have found empathy, compassion, ways of showing that I love that never existed in me before there was a Jen.
Breakeven - The Script
"Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping.
'Cos when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces."
John Mayer is frustrating. He has songs that make me want to kill him by beating him with a garden hose, but as a kid he wrote this song of loss and still being in love. I miss waking up early on Saturday and making coffee and bacon so we can watch soccer. I miss making a fire on winter evening and pouring us a glass of scotch to share. I will miss, as I missed last year, shopping for Christmas in Decatur. I missed planting the garden this spring, and so many family celebrations at the Lake. This week should have been another. Fall and winter will find new ways to break my heart every day as I remember this or that. But that's not important. What matters is that you're going to feel some of those pains, and it's because of things I have done.
Comfortable - John Mayer
"Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in"
Even though you have a relationship with someone new, I believe, in my heart, that you and I are connected, that part of us will always love the other in a way that nobody else can, not even with all of their heart. There is something of each of us that will always live only in the other. If that has to be enough for me, to know that I love you, I'll find a way to move on, if not away from those feelings.
Windmills - Toad the Wet Sprocket
"There’s something that you won’t show
Waiting where the light goes
And anyway the wind blows
It’s all worth waiting for."
While you were in surgery I had the opportunity and the pleasure of talking with your family - about what this year had been like, about what was happening with you and I, and what my hopes might be. Your mother offered me some advice: to forgive myself. To find a way to put down the burden, so that you may put down yours, and maybe we can both feel a little lighter. Easier said than done, but I'm asking for wisdom in my head and strength in my heart to figure out how to do it.
All We Are - Matt Nathanson
"I wasted, wasted love for you
Traded out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you never won."
Renewal
The last concert we went to together was half of Travis. It was wonderful, and I know we both had a great time. It was probably the last time we had that kind of closeness. A month later we were in New York, and I was pulling away.
Love Will Come Through - Travis
"If I told you a secret
You won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and
Keep it alive
Cause it's burning a hole
And I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone
In this life."
In my last blog I wrote that I understand now that forgiveness is nothing to do with being deserving - I think I finally "get" what grace is. And second chances, though they are a rare gift, are sometimes put in front of us.
Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse
"I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better."
I tried to move on, to date someone new, to push myself to love someone else. Songs about acknowledging being the architect of your own sadness are rare, but Missy Higgins seems able to produce them almost on a whim. I tried to move on. I failed.
Special Two - Missy Higgins
"And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'cause we're the special two!
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two."
Uncle Paul once asked me where home was for me, was it Atlanta or England. My answer at the time was "Wherever Jen is." With the benefit of knowledge of everything that's happened over the years, I'm sure it would look like a lie. But nowhere feels like home to me anymore if you're not there.
If My Heart Was a House - Owl City
"Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home."
A theme in my head for a while now has been that I shouldn't pretend to be okay if I'm not feeling that way. When I heard this song by Snow Patrol, I couldn't help but feel the hope in the sadness, and see it as a reflection of my own feelings.
Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol
"I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand
Please take my hand.
Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love."
It's only at the end of a long year, after your surgery, after spending time with you as you recovered, that a quiet peace is falling on me. Maybe it will end this insomnia, or maybe it will be the beginning of other things. Maybe you'll be able to find a way to trust me, maybe I'll be able to show you that I am much more the man you married than the man who deserted you.
What I know is that for the first time in many many years, I am myself. I'm not perfect, and I will fail many more times than I succeed, but I will always stand up one more time than I fall down.
I don't know if I can ever again be the man you want to share your life with. But there is no task, no question, no doubt that I cannot answer and overcome to show you that I am ready to share my life with you.
Love always,
Duncan
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