It's possible that readers of yesterday's post would get the idea that I felt somehow entitled to something at Bradley's party:
"In any case, I didn't feel very welcome at the birthday party of a child I'd spent days and weeks babysitting as an infant, and for whose fourth birthday I had made time to help with projects at Jen's house so that he could have a great birthday party."
I really didn't mean it to sound like I have a ledger that I use to measure whether I'm deserving of things. Honestly, I only wanted to demonstrate how involved in Bradley's life I had been and that my presence at his party was for him and his mom. I love the little guy and I have a lot of great memories of hanging out with him.
On reflection, I think that the thing that hurt me most about the party was the looks, almost confused, but also awkward and uncomprehending. Looks that asked "what are you doing here, you're not married to her anymore."
But I wasn't there because of Jen. I was there because of Bradley.
I had a tough time today, too. I know that Jen has friends -- who used to be our friends -- who are angry at me, and rightly so. I hope that one day they give me a chance to apologize, and to explain my mental state, and how I perceived the emotional health of my marriage when I walked out on Jen, and turned my back on them. I'm pretty sure that many of them think it was an easy decision for me to leave Jen. It wasn't, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, and it hurts all the more because I know it was the wrong thing to do.
It's hard now because, looking back, most of the times Jen and I spent together -- we had magic. I miss that magic. And I'm scared. Scared I'll never have that magic with anyone else. Scared I'll find it with someone who's not Jen. I'm scared that by the time I'm the kind of person Jen can trust, she'll be too invested in another relationship to consider one with me. And that paralyzes me and panics me into a sense of urgency at the same time, and I want to make sure she knows how I feel, which I imagine is very tiring for her.
So I am making some commitments to myself -- and to you if you're reading this.
I have committed to being the kind of guy I can trust.
I have committed to being the kind of guy anyone can trust.
I recognize that there's a difference between being a nice guy and being a good guy.
I have committed to myself to show you that person and to not hide my feelings.
I'm committing to being honest and vulnerable, and that means not walking out when my assumptions get challenged and my own poor judgement is called out.
I am committing to make fewer poor decisions, which includes making time for myself.
3 comments:
I think you were brave to leave.
I think you're brave to post anonymously.
Hey now, play nice. I don't moderate the comments in here because I think that discussion is healthy, but if people stop being polite to each other I will not hesitate to start slapping those people around.
I'd prefer for people to leave their names when they comment, but I won't force them, and just because someone chooses not to sign their name it doesn't make their contribution less valid. By all means attack me or my views, but when you start attacking each other that's when I'll be forced to be te grown up. And you should know I hate to be the grown up.
Post a Comment