This entry was written on June 16th, 2010. I kept it private. Until now.
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People who know me well would probably call me an optimist. Probably.
Some of them would even know about my sleeplessness. How for months at a time every year I am unable to get a decent night's sleep. I've been suffering that since I moved into my little flat. Catching more than a few hours at a time has been like hunting smoke.
This is getting a little introspective, so let's ride the ride for a minute or two longer. I was wrong. I have been wrong. I have done things that were hurtful and ill-thought-out, and without grace. And I did them to people I love. I'll find a way to earn their forgiveness, I'm sure, because they're wonderful people. Finding a way to forgive myself is going to be harder.
This storm of guilt, regret, and a need to see the people I love happy, prompted me to apologize to the person I'd hurt the most. About a month ago I emailed Jen. And while I'm in a sharing mood, this is the part of my heart that I poured out on May 20th. The Duncan that wrote this stuff is a Duncan you may not know -- maybe haven't known in a long time, or maybe never did. But he's who I am now.
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I realized something last night, and when I said it out loud I wanted to write it down. And when I wrote it down, I realized that there was a lot I know about me now that I didn’t know two months ago — and a lot of things that I was wrong about.
What I wrote is:
I did not trust you when you said you were committed to becoming the person you want to be.
I closed myself off and didn't talk about how I was feeling about our relationship.
I kept secrets and allowed my fears to take control of my behavior.
I convinced myself that *all* the solutions I was looking for could *only* be found by removing myself from our life.
I made choices that were not loving choices for us.
I trusted other people with my thoughts and fears when I should have trusted you.
I decided that my self-discovery couldn't be done incrementally, and that it required a clean slate.
I did not show you the respect you deserve when you wanted me to see the person you will/have become.
I did not understand that you loved me even when I didn't love myself.
I made my self-doubt something that we could not work on together.
I said horrible things to you to get what I thought I wanted.
I allowed my self-doubt to manifest itself and seek solutions that only made me feel worse.
I refused to listen to your suggestions about where I was emotionally, and instead I chose to be angry.
These are all true, and it makes me so sad to know that I was this person, that I did these things.
I’m sorry for all of it, and I don’t know how to repair the damage that I have done.
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And that's just how life is sometimes. Sometimes you look at your cards and you fold. Then you curse your luck as each community card turns, and you realize that you left the game too early -- that there's a full house on the table, and you had the cards but not the patience.
Tiredness, NERO, and packing
10 years ago
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