Time to start saying yes, man.

"I thought that if I said "yes" to things and got involved with people, sooner or later they'd find out I'm not enough. I didn't think I had anything to share -- and now I think that what I have to share is pretty huge." -- Jim Carrey, "Yes Man"

It's been quite a week. Aside from the fact that I'm now 36, I've made some resolutions, made some choices, which seem to have had a sling-shot effect on my life.

If you're waiting for the next salacious installment of my marriage story...stop. I'm not going to publish it. Jen and I got married, my self-esteem went down the crapper, and I had two affairs. That's not the whole story, but it's enough for right now. I am responsible for choosing to leave rather than stay and fight for our relationship. I blew it up, because I didn't know how to stand up for myself when it mattered, and I didn't know how to stand up for my marriage when it was the only thing that mattered. 

I'm not that person now. Maybe we'll talk about that in the future.

But first this:

"I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces..."

Do I think that over the last ten years the trajectory of my life was altered by some things that seemed small, even trivial, at the time? Yes I do. 

Do I think that I will ever experience the kind of closeness that I shared with Jen in that time? I'm not so sure.

Does that make me sad? More than I can say.

Am I hopeful for my future, whatever that looks like, without any expectations? Yes. I think so.

Do I think Jen and I have a chance in the future? I do. But...it's one of an infinite number of futures. She has a life, a whole social life that I have nothing to do with, a private life that I have even less knowledge of -- and that's okay. Good, even. I still miss a lot of who we were, but what I've been doing isn't healthy. I've been doing the equivalent of carrying a football with me everywhere I go, just in case I run into Joe Namath (ref for my US readers) or Geoff Hurst (for my UK readers.) 

I've discovered a few things about myself this week, and...well...it's time to change. It's time for me to start living for me. Trying to be the person I think Jen might be able to be with if she looks my way in the future isn't sane. Being the person I am, even if that means that any possible future with Jen goes away...that's who I have to be. Because the only person I can guarantee I'll be with in the future is me.

Work looks like it's about to get busy on the kind of scale I haven't seen in...well, over a decade -- since the early days of Business Controls at Northern, when a 30 hour weekend was the norm. I'll write more about this when things are confirmed, but for now...just know that exciting times lie ahead.

I wanted to do some volunteer work, and signed up for an online news organization, staffed by volunteers, called The Daily Source. On Friday I got an email offering me the position of Front Page Editor. So I'm going to be doing that 15 hours a week for the next seven months.

I'm making a list of things that I find genuinely scary so that I can start conquering that stuff. Life is to be lived, after all. I'm not about to jump out of a plane, but I think it's about time I got over my embarrassment and fear of singing in public. Maybe even dancing. And my fear of roller coasters, or going to events where I don't really know anyone.

So, thirty-six. You will be the best year yet. And if you're not, I'll only have myself to blame for it.